In January, I set out on a path to find CLARITY in my faith, personal life, business, and relationships. My search for CLARITY led me to a whole lot of self-reflection. Business development classes, networking events, new mentors, Bible studies, podcasts and late night prayers were what I thought I needed to do to get there.
I started this year searching for something, but I didn’t know what it was. I knew that I needed to get back to Penda; I didn’t really know who she was anymore. I didn’t recall what it felt like to dream in color. I could not do, or speak of what brings me joy other than family and helping others. My goals were generic and my business was stagnant. I was listening to the unforgiveness I carried in my heart toward myself and other people. My skin is thick, but I heard the negative commentary groups of people were speaking about me. I was holding myself hostage to a shell of leadership that was not my definition. I was stretched thin and ready to snap. I took off running in January and the pandemic knocked the wind out of me.
I had big plans for 2020 but I fell into a funk on March 13, the day after my 46th birthday. The world was in quarantine and it went downhill with all of the – everything. From Kobe, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, racism, uncertainty, and lives lost it was just too much! I wanted to go somewhere and see people. I wanted to hug my Daddy and play with my niece and nephews. I wanted to walk in my neighborhood, but I didn’t want to be the only person of color. Then, I had surgery and had to be a servant who was served. It was hard. Do you hear me? Hard!
I had to fight my way back to joy.
In August I watched my sisterfriend Jai Robin Jones launch her book. Her tears of joy were salve to my bruised soul. I know her journey to life lessons and I watched her celebrate the goodness of God with people who traveled from all over to celebrate her dopeness. In that moment, God spoke to me, “You are not doing enough.”
Not, “Penda, you are not good enough,” but "You. Are. Not. Doing. Enough." I know that my walk with God is a daily journey. I know that I am forgiven, called, and anointed. I know that I have a purpose. What I did not know, was what to DO to fulfill all of that.
In March an instructor for a class I was taking looked me in the eye and emphatically said, “Women in business have a tendency to minimize themselves. Stop it!” She was talking to the whole class, but I was the example. I minimize myself – a lot.
It started my journey back to Penda by having sacred conversations with people I care about. Jai Robin was one of my first guests. She volunteered to help me confront the apprehension I had about being Penda on camera again. I thought I was going to do 12 chats, and go back to the shadows, but today I completed my 25th live conversation! I don’t know where this is going yet. What I do know is that I need to speak my declarations of resilience and do my work authentically.
My goal is to reach 100 chats. I introduce my friends to my friends, build social proof of my business and collect tools in every conversation. I have cried on camera, laughed hard and unfolded myself in ways I could not have imagined. Here are some lessons I learned: https://youtu.be/dTX8nSvuna4
Today I took a long, mindful walk with gratitude. #NowNovember2020 I am grateful for many things, including the beauty of colorful leaves, bent trees that are not broken, children playing with parents, long walks with audiobooks, and most importantly, RESILIENCE – the ability to recover readily.
I have gained CLARITY this year. I stand on my assurance that God will never leave me, forsake me or fail me. I have seen Him tear down some of my walls, expose some of my faults and give me grace, which I know I don’t deserve. Whew! Every day I find something to be thankful for.
Why don’t you check out some of my other chats, you will be inspired: #TheResilienceProject.
I’m ready #NowNovember2020. I will be authentic, open, humble, and submissive to the process. I still have time to conquer my 2020 goals.
The time is Now,